Sharing Our Heartache

So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

  1 Corinthians 4:16

This is not a post with happy news.  Just saying that up front.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep.  I needed sleep, but my mind just kept rehearsing the events of the last few weeks, and I just had to pray through it before I could rest.  It took a couple of hours.

I am still hesitant to write this, but I have learned that sometimes writing (typing) and sharing things is one of the most healing things I can do. We share many of the daily joys we experience with you readers; it is logical that at times we would share our heartaches as well.

We haven't shared much of what I am writing today publicly and honestly were not certain that we would.   However, as we have gone through the last few days, we are feeling the need for the support and prayers of our family and friends and have decided that we want people to know.  

The physical facts...

In the middle of October we received the happy news that a baby was on

 it's way and would be arriving around June 25th.

Those who know us and our history well, understand that babies don't come quickly and easily to our family.  I consider Benjamin & Joseph to be our "miracles" and we really weren't sure that there would ever be any more children in our home.   So we were obviously thrilled, but also cautious about our excitement, knowing that positive pregnancy tests do not always end with a baby in your arms.

The week before Thanksgiving we received the devastating news that our 8 week old baby's heart was no longer beating and that we would be miscarrying.  

I give thanks to God for the ultrasound the previous week where I was able to see my baby's fluttering heart.  Not every mama experiencing miscarriage is given that blessing, and  I will treasure that moment for my lifetime.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, at nine weeks pregnant, I miscarried naturally at home.  

Unfortunately, my body did not complete the miscarriage entirely, and 2 weeks later (after our trip to Chicago) I began bleeding heavily again.  After a few days of heavy bleeding, I began hemorrhaging.  Monday (Nov. 12), the blood loss became so substantial that I began experiencing dizziness and blackouts.  After a visit to our doctor and a few phone conversations, I ended up having an emergency procedure to stop the bleeding (a "D&C") and a blood transfusion due to dangerously low hemoglobin levels (for those that understand medicine, and want to know, I was in the 6 range).   I spent the night at the hospital Monday night and was sent home yesterday morning with the full blessing of my doctor .

I am physically beginning to feel much better.  It is amazing what a few units of blood can do!  Our surgeon says that it will take a week or so before my hemoglobin levels return to normal, so I am tired and weak.  Otherwise my bleeding has stopped, and I am well.  God willing the critical stage is past.

We are holding fast to truth found in God's Word...

We are sad and our hearts are grieving for the baby that we will never hold in our arms, but our faith is not shaken.

We believed with all our hearts that GOD IS STILL GOOD!  This did not happen outside of God's loving providence.  Our baby is with Jesus.  "To die is gain!"  What a blessed promise to cling to right now!

The Psalms have been medicine for my heart through the last few weeks.

I have been reading through the book "Trusting God:  Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges, and it has been the perfect guide to help me keep my mind focused on the truth of God's love and providence even in hard circumstances. 

One of the truths he speaks in the book that has ministered to me is:

"All people - believers as well as unbelievers experience anxiety, frustration, heartache, and disappointment.  Some suffer intense physical pain and catastrophic tragedies.  But that which should distinguish the suffering of believers from unbelievers is the confidence that our suffering is under the control of an all-powerful and all-loving God;  our suffering has meaning and purpose in God's eternal plan, and He brings or allows to come into our lives only that which is for His glory and our good."


(love that..."our suffering has meaning and purpose!")

Other stuff we want you to know...

Thank you for your prayers for our family right now.    We treasure the knowledge that others would love us enough to bring us and our heartache before our all loving God.  

Benjamin and Joseph do not know about the pregnancy.  Only that mommy has been "sick," or "had a headache," so please be careful about what is said in their presence.

Please don't feel awkward around us, you don't have to say or do anything.

We don't have to talk about it, but are not uncomfortable about sharing if the situation is right.  

My tears will probably flow, but if it doesn't bother you, I won't let it bother me!

We are thrilled for, and want to celebrate and rejoice in other's "baby blessings."  Please allow us to!

We want people to understand that more children may not be in God's plan for us.  This baby and our boys are miracles. From a "human" point of view, it isn't very likely.  We will love and celebrate the blessing we do have even if no other miracles come. Of course, there is no harm in praying for God's will to be done in our lives.

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,

and give thanks to his holy name.

Weeping may tarry for the night,

But joy comes with the morning.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

you have loosed my sackcloth

and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Psalm 30

Now onto celebrating Christmas, and the joy of EMMANUEL.  God is with us my friends!  {smile}