One Year

ONE YEAR...

One year ago tomorrow, we heard the diagnosis that would forever change life for Benjamin.

It sounds dramatic to say it that way, but the reality is Benjamin's life has been and will be different.

He will have experiences & opportunities that I will never understand.

.

It's funny the things you remember.

I remember having "that feeling" for about 2 weeks prior to taking Benjamin in for his 15 month appointment. The feeling that something wasn't right.

Benjamin had been sick since pre-Thanksgiving. Respiratory stuff. For some reason he just wasn't getting fully better. He was fussy a lot. He was wanting to eat all the time -- huge amounts of food. He was drinking gallons of water a day (I'm not exaggerating). He acted desperate for water all the time. He was wetting through his diaper every hour or two. His sleeping patterns drastically changed. Waking up during then night became a regular thing again & naps were becoming non-existent. The thing I look back on now with the most regret -- he was getting thinner.

Now I can't believe we didn't have it figured out sooner than we did.

I remember walking out to the scale at Benjamin's 15 month pediatrician appointment. Joseph was weighed first and all was happy as we celebrated his growth. Then Benjamin was weighed. The nurse stayed outwardly cheerful, but you could tell something wasn't right. She weighed him twice, "just to make sure she got the correct weight."

The pediatrician ordered an extra blood test and then we were sent home.

I remember it was a really cold day. The roads were snow covered. It took forever to drive anywhere.

I remember going to a hair appointment after putting the boys down for their nap. Doug's Mom & Dad had come for the day to help out at the doctor's appointment. Melissa, my beautician, curled my hair. She did a good job, because at 3:00am the next day when I got home from the hospital with Benjamin my hair still looked great :)

That evening was a long one. The boys were very fussy. Benjamin especially. At about 6:45 I got a call from Benjamin's nurse. She told me Benjamin's blood sugar was 600 something (the number didn't mean anything to me at the time) and that I needed to take him to the ER. I didn't immediately understand the seriousness & asked if I could just bring him in the next morning. She said "no." That's when I began to understand that this was serious. I was home by myself at the time. I tried to call Doug, but he didn't answer. Thankfully, he walked in the door 5 minutes later. He called the doctor back to make sure we understood correctly that Benjamin needed to go tonight. The answer didn't change.

.

I remember I didn't have to wait at the ER. They already had information from Benjamin's doctor and they took us right back. Then lots of tests & tears from Benjamin (and me) as he had to have blood drawn and an I.V. inserted.

It was a long night of waiting.

No one told me "Benjamin, has diabetes." I figured it out while we were at the hospital, and asked the doctor . . . "Is this diabetes?" She said "Yes, there would be no other reason for his blood sugar to go over 600." That's how we found out.

I remember laying in the hospital bed with Benjamin while he was sleeping in between tests. I was scared, but overwhelmed with a feeling of thankfulness. Diabetes was not a death sentence for my baby. I wasn't hearing cancer, or many other terrible things that parents hear every day. Diabetes can be managed & kids with diabetes can live long, happy, healthy, and mostly normal lives.

I remember the doctor at the ER that night. She was very kind. She told me she could tell I was a good mother and that I was strong. She told me she knew I would do a great job giving Benjamin the care he would need. She probably tells everyone that, but it was what I needed to hear that night.

I remember being overwhelmed at the offers of help that came from friends and family the moment we expressed a need on facebook.

I remember being amazed at all the tiny blessing God gave to us during these 24 hours & how he orchestrated the many small details. The weather not keeping us home from the doctor, Doug coming home when he did, Jenn being on facebook at the right time to offer to help with Joseph. . . the list could go on and on.

I remember going to the doctor the next day & Benjamin being immediately afraid. For good reason; they drew blood again.

The first thing his doctor (who we love & have gotten to know well since then) told us was "This is not your fault, we don't know what causes diabetes, but it is not something you have done." I needed to hear that.

Doug was only able to stay the first hour of the 5 hour appointment. Benjamin fell asleep for a part of the morning, and I held him while he slept and cried for the first time in the whole process.

I missed Joseph & I know Benjamin missed Joseph, too.

I remember going home from the doctor with 2 large bags of medical supplies & then driving through the pharmacy and being handed 2 more huge bags of stuff. The pharmacist said "I see you have had a big, life changing day." Everyone was so helpful and quick to tell me to call with any questions. I had to buy a large sharps container from the pharmacist. I had never even thought about the cost of a sharps container ($10). We've had to buy 3 so far.

I remember feeling very overwhelmed at all I needed to do to take care of Benjamin.

One year! It's hard to believe we have been living with diabetes that long.

We have learned so much.

So much is instinctive now. I have learned Benjamin's "moods" and even the sound of his "diabetic" cries & often know what his blood sugar is before even checking. He can still surprise me though! I can tell you the carbohydrates contained in 100's of foods off the top of my head. I can mix medication & give shots with the best. I can quote dictionary definitions of diabetes. I know what the current research is. I pray for a cure often.

Benjamin is amazing. Sure, he fusses at times, but usually it is very easy to give him a shot. He will willingly walk over to me and hold out a finger when I tell him he needs a blood sugar test. He knows all the steps for checking. . . clean finger, cock lancet, place strip in meter, poke finger, put blood on the strip.

AND

Benjamin is happy and healthy and growing. Life for him is full and good. Sure, it is no fun to get multiple shots a day, but they keep him feeling good and I think somehow he knows that. He gets fewer sugary snacks than many, but he doesn't know that (yet...).

Sometimes I worry about Benjamin's future. What it holds for him.

BUT

That is not my job. I know who holds the future.

God created Benjamin & knows him better than I do. He knows the future & has a perfect plan for Benjamin.

Wow, this has gotten long! I am sure many have not made it through, but that is OK, this was mainly for me.

I have tears in my eyes, but they are not really sad tears.

I still believe 100% what I wrote one year ago on this blog when we learned Benjamin's diagnose.

God is good ALL THE TIME!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Benjamin! We survived one year, baby!

I am celebrating every moment God is giving me with you & I held you a little longer than usual before bed tonight!